that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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