you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
