alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i am craving dick and cupcakes
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
