sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
