He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So squirting runs in the family.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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