if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
