using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
