I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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