i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
