dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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