Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
