My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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