We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
