i don't like sucking hair
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
