Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
