Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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