bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
