I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
