There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Holy sore nipples Batman
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
