I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
third nipple confirmed
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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