nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
