Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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