I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
