The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
