fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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