Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
