So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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