Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
