i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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