Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
