I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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