He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
