It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hippo gnu deer
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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