just come out here and I will go home with you...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
