i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
