Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
