found the other keg... it's in the tree
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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