I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
