Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
