New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
