I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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