Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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