literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
