K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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