My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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