When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
