Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
