It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
