I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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