If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
