I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
